Super late new year’s post! Just me reminiscing on some of the things I’ve learned throughout the year.
my character development was a wild & strange one this year.
during my teenage years I was learning how to find my voice & battling newfound demons
my early 20’s so far consisted of learning more about my demons. how to accept& harmonise with them going through everything else
— ???m̶ḯ̷̢ͅ ♡ (@naominikola) December 31, 2018
2019 was such a learning curve for me. i had to face a ton of challenges and made me learn about how I dealt with my problems, and face them.
There were a lot of things I repressed as a kid, that are continously starting to overflow like a glass full of bubble fizzes when you pour the soda too fast. Growing up, I remember that I was always told I was mature for my age. I also felt that way, and right now, it feels like my mind is growing younger as I age. The more I had no options to run, the more I was faced to see my darker selves. The more I see the cracks on the glass that I’ve built up over the years.
I don’t think I’ve ever written about it before, but I have really bad memory. I can’t remember what I ate this morning, what I did last weekend, or sometimes even what I just said a few seconds ago. I have to really hold it in my thoughts, some sort of thing to remind me, or think really hard on it (and usually if it’s the latter, I fail really badly). I also feel like I skipped through a lot of my years, it’s as if there were years that were gaps, and I’m only filling them in now. My 9 year old self, 15, 17- I don’t remember her. I really feel like I’m either 5 or 40 years old, there’s no in between. Does that make sense?
In spite of it all, I really have learned so much more things. I got to know my demons more. Maybe how to handle them a little bit better than last year. Letting go of so many things, letting go of always being in control of my life and just forgiving myself. It’s really hard for me to be kind to myself and I’m fully aware how self-destructive I can get but it’s really hard to see it when you’re in that special scary place that I can’t seem to think I can get out of. But I always do in the end. There’s probably gonna be way more challenges, but I think that’s also what makes life more fruitful. It’s tiring, but it’s also nice sometimes.
Top – Created by me
Inner – American Apparel
Skirt – Topshop
Shoes – Office Kiko
This blazer is one of the first things I made for school. You can buy it in my shop! (when it opens!!)
Photos taken by antonxsarah
Thank you for reading!