I came back to my dream city again! It was a bit of an impulsive decision, as I’m not supposed to be here for another year. Things came up though and now here I am( ‘ – ‘*) A lot of overwhelming things have been happening recently, and I’ve honestly been trying my best to look for the energy to do anything. This may sound a bit crybaby-like, but it’s really stressful to do the littlest things right now, even the things I love doing the most. I would rather stare into space the whole day, or lie on my bed until the sun rises.
I decided to live in Tokyo for a while again, crossing fingers that this would be good for me. I disliked the cycle that’s been happening, and I wanted to keep moving. This isn’t an escape, this is about finding myself back up again.
In this diary entry, I’ll be showing a bit more about myself, and a little of how I see angles of certain things.
I’m sure everyone hates goodbyes. I fear it deeply that I’d avoid relationships because of it. I’ve already accepted the fact that everything in this world is temporary. That’s one of the things that make life beautiful, I guess. Like how Cherry Blossoms come and go for merely a short amount of time every year. It’s sad, and yet people are willing to come see these pink trees bloom and wither nevertheless.
Despite knowing all of that, my heart gets attached too easily. I’d eat people up. It’s stressful. It’s overwhelming. I got sick of straining my heart that making connections became a chore. For a girl that doesn’t really care what people think about me, my anxiety on socializing is high up there. I would be filled with happiness making friends, and yet at the very back of my head I’d find a long lace of questions that would go,
How long would this last? Or okay, it’s great now, they like me now, but what about tomorrow? Or the next week? What if they’re merely being nice and there’s no actual connection at all. This isn’t special.
It’s like this ever so often that I can’t relate to people any longer. I make friends, then suddenly I can’t stand to be with them.
I know this is all bad, and I’m still trying my best to convince myself it’s all worth it. Because it must be. The phrase, “That’s life.” doesn’t have to be seen as bad, it really shouldn’t. One thing that must be true is that when you lose something, you gain something else too.
On approaching things:
I’d like to believe people are capable of good, no matter what the case is. However, I do know that people are also capable of making their own decisions and handling their responsibilities as a person. It shouldn’t excuse them of their actions, of course. People can be illusive and convince everybody of a lie they strung together, in the end however, the one that they would disappoint would be themselves. And we can never run away from that.
On the other end of the spectrum, I don’t like looking at things in merely a black or white perspective. For me, the man-made concept of good vs. evil is a bit lazy, and everything shouldn’t merely be justified with this. I’ve always thought that every human being is driven by their own selfishness, and yet I know that there could be so much more than that. There’s also good intentions, and I think that’s something that should be valued more too.
On my fears:
A little over last year, I’ve made this diary entry that explains all my 6 biggest fears and why. Change, falling, and closeness, are some of these. And yet, I’m still drawn to change. I want to keep changing and evolving. I recently conquered my fear of public speaking, because I wanted to. I’m frightened by too many things, and still I take my heart with me wherever I go. Never do I want fear to control me.
On why I keep moving, anyway:
Something that I always want to carry with me is strength. No matter what, I never want to let all these bad seep within me despite whatever frightening things gets thrown in my path. If that’s naivety then I’d rather be one. I’d want to learn from these things and transcend, instead of letting it get to me and harden me. I want to be able to keep an open mind, I want to always be sincere with the things I do.
I still want to believe that people and things can be good, just how other things can be as bad. Nobody said it was easy, and it’s always scary to move forward but I don’t want to be weak anymore. I don’t want these exterior things affecting the way I want to do things. Yes, they can be painful. Yes, they can be sad. But that’s all I want them to get from me. There’s so much more in this world and all these frightening things can merely be tiny specks I can get over.
I want to be soft, I want to be sincere. I don’t want to let the world make me grow cold. I have stars within me. I have fire in my eyes. And I’m still trying my best, and I’m still learning more and more every single day.
Dress – Liz Lisa
Cardigan – Liz Lisa
Socks – Tutu Anna
Shoes – WEGO
Bag – Chanel
Watch – Cartier
“I sit before flowers
hoping they will train me in the art
of opening up
I stand on mountain tops believing
that avalanches will teach me to let go
but I am here to learn.”
Thank you for reading ??